


parenting 101 with peter parker and flash thompson

by Xhleon



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Peter Parker, Gen, Peter Parker has ADHD, Peter Parker is a Walking Disaster, Texting, gratuitous pop culture references, more tags to be added later on i guess, the adults are tired of the shenanigans, these guys swear like the gen z they are, this is...cracky..but i might add plot as i write idk lmfao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 05:38:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19761700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xhleon/pseuds/Xhleon
Summary: “Peter, you’re with Flash.”Shit.Flash groaned loudly in protest. “Coach, can you partner me with someone else? Please? Like do I really have to work with a compulsive liar?”Someone coughed.Peter exchanged a long-suffering look with Ned.Mr. Wilson pinched the bridge of his nose and heaved out a drawn out sigh. “You’re just gonna have to deal with it.”





	parenting 101 with peter parker and flash thompson

**Author's Note:**

> i've never done the baby project and it shows through this fic ;)

Peter cursed his mind for being a chaotic hellhole as he tried to follow what Mr. Wilson was saying about the upcoming health project.

Instead, his mind was going ninety miles an hour, his thoughts going from patrol, to Thor’s muscles and his L’Oréal-esc hair, to the Star Wars marathon he and Ned were going to have this weekend, to MJ and how he wants to have a Harry Potter marathon with her because she’s a hardcore fan and frankly it’s adorable when she gets excited about the franchise.

Okay, so his disaster brain was being traitorous as usual, but honestly? What’s new?

Peter’s head swiveled down at his desk as a ferocious buzzing took place, gathering the attention of most of the class and a mildly annoyed Mr. Wilson. Yikes. Mr. Wilson must have had a shitty day so far.

He muttered an apology that went unheard and silenced his phone. It had to be Ned, who was glancing at him in a not-so-conspicuous way.

Peter pretended to put his phone away in his pocket, but put it in his lap so he could negate Ned’s impatience by reading the messages.

**Lunch Losers**

**Nedward:** wanna be my loving husband for this project?

heck yes uwu

 **Nedward:** let’s raise the best baby our child will be amazing

 **EmJay:** i think you guys forget this gc is not your dms

 **EmJay:** anyways that is false. i will raise the best baby with betty so ;)

oh we don’t forget

 **Nedward:** we just want to flex

yeah flex our amazing spectacular parenting skills

 **EmJay:** says the guy who’s on his phone in class

 **EmJay:** not much of a great influence there

aren’t you in class too

i’ll have u know im a great influence

 **EmJay:** bro i’m in commons

 **EmJay:** but go off honey

 **Nedward:** he’s literally spider-man

 **Nedward:** aka a great influence on our lil guy

hold up mr. wilson is giving me the death glare

 **EmJay:** rip

Mr. Wilson cleared his throat and stopped his explanation on the project. Peter had to wonder what got his normally laid-back teacher on edge.

“Normally, I would let you guys pick partners, but since _some_ of you,” His eyes passed the students but lingered on Peter and Ned, which didn’t slip the attention of most students. “are too busy playing on their phones, I’m going to choose for you.”

People groaned and Peter’s advanced hearing could pick out muttered insults aimed at himself and Ned. Frustration bubbled up in his chest, Ned didn’t deserve those insults, Peter was the one who got caught texting in class.

“Ned, you’re with Jason.”

Ned held back a grimace. Jason wasn’t too bad, but the guy wasn’t a fan of Peter or Ned in the first place. It’s not like he actively picked on them, but he also wasn’t against going with the class opinion that they’re the losers of the sophomore year.

“Peter, you’re with Flash.”

Shit.

Flash groaned loudly in protest. “Coach, can you partner me with someone else? Please? Like do I really have to work with a compulsive liar?”

Someone coughed.

Peter exchanged a long-suffering look with Ned.

Mr. Wilson pinched the bridge of his nose and heaved out a drawn out sigh. “You’re just gonna have to deal with it.”

“Anyways. Come up here to get your fake babies.” Mr. Wilson pulled a box out from underneath his desk.

“Is this one of those crying things?” One of the juniors asked as she went up to get one.

“Unfortunately for you, yes.”

Flash gave Peter a pointed glare but nodded towards the front desk.

After giving Peter a fake baby, Mr. Wilson raised his eyebrows at him in an unstated question.

“What are you naming the baby?”

“Jimothy.”

Peter internally screamed.

The silence in the room was suffocating.

“..Alright.”

Peter made his way back to Flash with the fake baby—Jimothy—in tow. Flash stared at him in mortification.

“Really, Penis? _Jimothy?_ ” The other boy shook his head in disbelief. “Anyways, I have a test tomorrow in physics, so you better take it.”

“I—we’re in the same physics.”

“Yeah, well, I need the grade more than you.”

“A-alright.”

After a few awkward minutes of being glared at by his fellow peers, Peter sighed in relief as he felt his spidey sense tingle at the upcoming dismissal bell.

**Lunch Losers**

im raising a baby with flash

kill me now please

for my sake and the baby’s

 **Nedward:** wanna make a suicide pact w me

yes please

 **EmJay:** ur so dramatic

it’s not gonna be a healthy environment for the baby, mj

 **EmJay:** lmao

our baby is going to be on dr phil someday because of the chaos

 **Nedward:** i’m sure jimothy is going on dr phil

 **Nedward:** if only because of his name

 **EmJay:** JIMOTHY ASKDSVF

I PANICKED OKAY LMAO

Peter stared at the fake baby. Where was he going to put it? In his already full backpack? Without thinking, he switched out some of his textbooks with Jimothy. That would have to do for now.

* * *

Everything was peaceful and quiet until a few class periods later, in chemistry, when a loud screech emitted from Peter’s backpack. He winced as more than half the students turned their attention from Bill Nye to him. MJ smirked at him knowingly.

“Is that Jimothy?”

“Um—yeah.”

“Is he in your backpack?”

“..Maybe.”

Mr. Cobbwell looked amused at his students’ exchange. “As fun as this is, let’s get back to science.”

Peter gently rocked his backpack in an attempt to shush the howling demon inside.

MJ just shook her head with a hint of a smile on her face before turning her attention back to her notebook—probably about to sketch Peter in crisis—and the projection on the board.

Peter cringed. He would have to find a way to get Flash to take the stupid thing. There’s no way Peter could manage to pull off this project perfectly while dealing with patrol. That would be perilous to both Jimothy and himself.

**Flash**

when can you take jimothy

idk penis im a busy man

are you trying a slack off on me?

gotta say man. not cool.

no im not trying to do anything

alright dickwad

It looked as if Peter was an only parent. He held Jimothy a few feet away from him lest it be triggered to start screeching.

“Oh, Jimothy, we’re really in it now.”

* * *

“Good afternoon, Peter.” Karen greeted warmly—well as warm as an AI can get—before a pause took place. “There seems to be something strapped on your chest. What is that, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Karen was referring to the makeshift baby carrier on his chest. Yes , Peter was this committed to the project. He wasn’t failing something this lame.

“Oh—it’s nothing, it’s just a stupid school project.”

"What is the project?"

"A fake baby thing. I have to take care of it for a while."

There was a comfortable silence between them as Peter munched on some Sour Patch Kids.

“Hey, Karen, what do you have for me today?”

“There seems to be a high speed car chase coming towards you.”

“Cool!”

* * *

Nearing the end of his usual patrol-time (a time set by May), Peter heard voices overlapping nearby.

“C’mon, Blue, we gotta hustle.” said a slightly deep voice with a hint of impatience.

“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one who has to carry this god damn much back to Leo.” said a nasally dude.

Well, hello crime-doers.

“Hey, Karen, can you give the cops an anonymous tip?” Peter whispered.

“Of course.”

Well, he better get this over with before the police arrive.

Peter swung over to the alley where he suspected the two guys were at, and lo and behold there was Thing Number One and Thing Number Two right in front of his very eyes. Peter took the baby carrier off and set it against a dumpster—a perfect place for a fake baby, mind you—before striding forward.

“I gotta say, that’s not very cash money of you.”

“Shit! It’s Spidey!” The taller of the two exclaimed in alarm before whipping out a gun and firing two warning shots.

“Oh _fuck!_ ” Peter swore loudly as soon as he heard a ridiculously obnoxious wail, making one of the already nervous burglars jump in surprise. Spider-Man wasn’t known to swear for no reason. “Right now?”

“Uh—what?”

“Sorry—just, you know—my baby.”

“Dude, you bring your child out while you fight crime and swing around on buildings? The fuck is wrong with you?”

“No! It’s not _literally_ my child!”

“What?!”

The robbers exchanged moderately horrified glances as they processed the information in God-knows-what way. Peter could only imagine what was going through their heads right now: is Spider-Man a kidnapper? He mentally groaned. That was definitely going in the news.

“Oh god, I swear that sounded better in my head.” Peter internally groaned. He racked his brain for an acceptable excuse.

“It’s a fake baby, for like, practice.” He said with certainty. At the criminals' dubious glances to each other, Peter elaborated on his statement.

“Because I’m pregnant.”

Peter took advantage of the shocked men and jumped onto one of the walls and kicked off towards the taller criminal guy who immediately backed up against the opposing wall. The man held the gun in a shaky grip.

“I’m warning you, freak!”

Yeah, enough of _that_. Peter webbed the man to the wall and turned to his partner. The guy held a suitcase in a loose grip.

“So, whatcha got there, bro? Mind if I sister snatch that? Thanks.”

Peter peered into the case. The contents consisted of an assortment of valuables and trash. Giving the men a side glance, he webbed the bag up and scribbled a quick note for the police when they got here.

“Adiós!” Peter yelled over his shoulder as he put the baby carrier back on hastily, eager to leave the flabbergasted men behind him.

* * *

**Tony Stark**

Hey, kid

hey mr stark!

Explain this

thedailybugle.net/the-spider-menace-kidnaps-children/

supernews.com/is-spider-man-really-pregnant/

oh my god mr stark it’s not what you think

I don’t think you kidnap children

nor do i think you're pregnant

I’m just confused and I need elaboration for dumbassery

it’s just my demon child fake baby project thingy

and swinging around puts it to sleep much faster

Kid.

Never become a parent.

Please.

okay fair.

anyways feel free to come to the lab tomorrow

Happy can pick you up after school

alright im hyped!!

see u tomorrow mr stark!!

Peter frowned as he focused on his physics textbook. He should be more insistent with Flash tomorrow to take Jimothy off his hands if it was starting to cause headline problems for his other identity.

Speaking of Jimothy, Peter looked up at the fake baby that was leaning against his wall. He didn't dare touch it, not wanting to start that whole mess again. Especially at two in the morning. Peter prayed it was only set to make noise at a more sensible time, but alas—

It started screeching like the mandrake demon it was.

Peter planted his face in his book with a loud groan.

**Author's Note:**

> uh let me know how this is
> 
> this is so stUPID LMFAO
> 
> idk when i'll be able to update this, this is all i have written so far so it might be a hot minute *shrug emoji*


End file.
